Fusion and defusion on thoughts
From This Is How To Use Mindfulness To Make Better Decisions
A lot of the time you know what the smart thing to do is. But you’re still worried about how it might turn out. Or regrets about a past decision are making you overthink things.
So you play it too safe. Or you get reckless and swing for the fences. Or you’re paralyzed and procrastinate. But there’s a way out of this loop.
Thousands and thousands of years ago, Caveman #1 thought a snake was a stick, got bitten, died and didn’t reproduce. Caveman #2, who walked around petrified that every stick was a snake, had lots of kids and now we’re stuck with brains that create problems even when there aren’t any. Thanks, evolution.
How To Stop Negative Thoughts Forever? You can’t. The end.
Your brain makes thoughts. That’s what it does. Suppression of unwanted thoughts can lead to a rebound effect: an increase in both intensity and frequency of the unwanted thoughts. So stop trying. Wrestling with them only makes them worse. But that doesn’t have to lead to poor decisions and bad behavior. Your thoughts don’t immediately control your actions. You get to decide.
Sometimes you take that storyteller in your head all too seriously. So seriously, in fact, that you think that negative voice in your head is you and you run with whatever it says: - “I’m such an idiot.” - “This will never work.” - “I’m no good at this, it’s gonna blow up in my face and be shown on national television.” This is fusion. It’s when an idea pops into your head and you take it as fact. Things don’t go your way and the grey matter pops out: “Life sucks!” And you believe it. That’s you fusing with a judgment.
In a state of cognitive fusion, we’re inseparable from our thoughts: we’re welded to them, bonded to them, so caught up in them that we aren’t even aware that we are thinking…. Cognitive fusion basically means that our thoughts dominate our behavior.
When you fuse with bad memories you get regrets. When you fuse with scary visions of the future you get worried. These often end up affecting your decision making. And rarely for the better.
So how do you stop fusion? Fusion means getting caught up in our thoughts and allowing them to dominate our behavior. Defusion means separating or distancing from our thoughts, letting them come and go instead of being caught up in them. In other words, defusion means looking at thoughts rather than from thoughts; noticing thoughts rather than being caught up in thoughts; and letting thoughts come and go rather than holding on to them.
When you give defusion a try, a thought is just an idea. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. You don’t have to obey it, you can merely consider it. So when you’re mindful — when you choose to defuse — worries and other negative thoughts cease to be a blaring fire alarm that you must react to. Instead, they’re a smartphone notification that you can choose to ignore.
You’re acknowledging that the negative thoughts are not “you” — they’re your brain. You didn’t say “I’m such a loser” — your brain did. You’re creating some distance there. And you can use that distance to question the thought. Often you’ll question the thought and come back with, “But it’s true. I am a loser. I screwed this up last time and I’ll screw it up again.” Now you and I could go round and round with me telling you it’s not true and you saying it is true. But is it really true? Here’s the thing: I don’t care. “Is it true?” is the wrong question. The right question is: “Is it useful?”. Is telling yourself you’re a loser going to help you do the things that will make you not-a-loser? Nope.
So when that thought pops into your head ask yourself: is this thought going to help you be who you want to be? does it help you to get all caught up in it? Does it motivate you to exercise, or eat well, or spend time doing the things that make life rich and rewarding? Then make a decision based on what’s really relevant — not your worries, regrets or fears.
Over time, you want to make note of the thoughts you regularly fuse with. (Maybe it’s “I can’t handle this” or “I’m going to embarrass myself.”). And then gently make fun of it: Oh, so we’re playing the “I’m not good enough” song again? It takes practice to not get swept away by your thoughts. You’re going to have to spend time at it.