Self-care on bad times
If you’ve ever been told that you’ve harmed someone and felt so stricken with guilt, anxiety, or self-hatred that you couldn’t move forward,
Lots and lots has been written about the importance of apologizing when you’ve messed up, and how to do it well. That’s because it’s not easy and it’s not something most of us learn growing up.
One of the hardest things about apologizing is dealing with your feelings. It never feels good to get called out or to be told that you’ve hurt someone.
One of the hardest things about apologizing is dealing with your feelings. It never feels good to get called out or to be told that you’ve hurt someone.
people sometimes use that as an excuse to avoid apologizing and being accountable. Many of us have friends or partners who break down whenever we called them in or out on something or asked them to change their behavior, no matter how gently we try to do it.
This can even be a pattern of abuse, where every time you try to tell someone they’re making you feel bad, you end up being made to feel guilty for even bringing it up.
From the perspective of someone who’s been harmed, they may not matter – and that’s valid.
But that doesn’t mean they can’t matter to you, and it also doesn’t mean that they’re not influencing you.
This means that sometimes when you mess up and harm someone, you may need to do some self-care before you can approach the situation
Take Time and Space
If someone you’ve harmed is asking you for an apology or a conversation, it might feel like you’re obligated to give them that as soon as they ask for it.
Not only does that help make sure that you’re able to give the situation the thoughtfulness it deserves, but it also helps you process your emotions and keep you from saying things that you regret and that don’t reflect who you are.
Of course, some people use this as an excuse to delay accountability indefinitely. That’s not the same as “taking time and space”; that’s just avoiding accountability.
Name Your Feelings
Whether or not your privilege (or unawareness of your privilege) contributed to the situation, it’s important not to place your own feelings ahead of the feelings of the other person.
But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t process or understand your own feelings – it just means you shouldn’t make the other person manage your feelings for you
So, name and describe your feelings to yourself as honestly as you can.
Name the feelings even if you feel ashamed of them.
Give yourself permission to feel however you feel for the moment. Try to notice without judging.
Talk to Someone You Trust About It
Ideally, this person should be someone you trust both to affirm you and to hold you accountable – it might not help if it’s one or the other.
Someone who affirms you without holding you accountable might try to tell you that what you did wasn’t that bad or that the other person is being unreasonable. Someone who only cares about holding you accountable might invalidate your feelings or tell you to apologize to the person you harmed immediately.
Talking to someone can help put things into perspective.
If you find yourself ruminating and talking about the same thing over and over, that might be a good time to start talking about what you plan to do instead.
Try to Separate the Rational Negative Feelings From the Irrational Ones
Most of us have our own insecurities, traumas, and mental illness symptoms that can get kicked up when we mess up and hurt someone.
That’s why it’s so important to recognize which of your thoughts are coming from a mental illness or trauma (“jerkbrain,” as many folks like to call it) and which of them are a completely reasonable reaction to the situation.
Those thoughts reflect reality – I did do something crappy, and it makes sense to be disappointed with yourself when you act in a way that doesn’t live up to your values.
Explicitly identifying how your own mental health history is contributing to your reaction to the situation can help you feel more okay and move forward.
pologize and Make Amends
This might seem like a weird thing to include in an article about self-care, but self-care isn’t just about comforting yourself.
n the context of mental health, self-care can mean letting yourself cry or taking a bubble bath, but it can also mean forcing yourself out of bed, doing your laundry, and paying your bills.
Likewise, a crucial part of self-care during interpersonal conflicts or situations where you’ve harmed someone is to do the work of moving forward.