Jan 01, 2018
Before you start reading a book, you will have a basic idea of what the book is about. This allows you to ask yourself 3 simple questions before you start to read. They are:
– What do I already know?
– What more do I want to know?
– I wonder if…
The answers to these questions will give you a foundation to build on and something which you’re looking to get out of the book. This means you’re not just reading without an objective, but instead you’re actively looking to learn something from the book.
As you’re reading, you need to take small and intermittent pauses to ensure that what you’re reading is sticking. Ask yourself the following questions as you’re reading.
– Does this make sense?
– How does this information connect to what I already know?
– What does the writer say about…?
– What does the writer mean about…?
– I still need to know more about…?
By asking yourself these questions as you read, you are constantly evaluating whats being said.
TAKE A LONGER PAUSE AFTER A DIFFICULT SECTION
Pause and think about what was discussed
Build yourself a short summary of what you read
Discuss what you read with someone
The best way to take notes during reading is:
– Look for the main ideas and focus on those
– Use words you understand
– Make the notes as brief as possible
– Use simple headings and sub headings to organize your notes
– Constantly review, add and revise as necessary while you continue to read
Now that the book is done, you need to think about the important ideas in the book.
– What was the most important thing you remember about the book?
– What was the main message of the book?
– What do the ideas in this book relate to?
– What could be the biases of this book?
– What did this book leave out?
The last question will give you the opportunity to do some research and find another book to continue your learning, make connections, and continue to read more effectively.
Reread the book. Your perspective will be different because every moment is different from the last. We (our politics, personality, pleasures, etc) change constantly. Some people love a book one minute and hate it when rereading years later. Rereading is almost like having a conversation with your old self.
Read with others.
Read commentaries on the book if they are available. Commentaries of the text or biographies of the author can help you gain context and greater understanding of the implications of the book. Reading autobiographies and other essays by the author is a great choice too.
Read other books by the same author. This can help to get a perspective of the whole person and the many of the shortcomings and triumphs that authors typically reveal about themselves (and their world) through their literature.
Think about why you want to internalize this book. All books are not meant to be internalized. Some books are transitory, some are meant for pure laughter, and some are meant to be scoffed at and perhaps burned. Why do you want to get to the core of this book? Will you like what you find? Does liking what you find matter
If you really want to see the author in full force, don't expect anything from the author. If you are reading something humorous, expect it not to be. If it is legal jargon, expect it to be mellifluous.
Don't rush. This is the one I can't stand. Everyone wants to read faster because there is so much to read. More information, I wish my brain could process faster, etc, etc. Be patient or else you may lose central themes of the author.
How do you keep the inner drive that a good speech or good training gives you? The simple answer is this. You don’t.
People expect immediate change after a learning event, be it a book, a movie or a personal skills training.
WRONG!
The path between the learning event and the direct results passes – if ever! – through something called INTERNALIZING.
During the training/reading/watching, pass the knowledge through your own filter. Ask yourself “Is this good for me? Is this applicable to my situation?”
Do an exercise with it. Write something down. Trainings usually have this kind of exercise embedded in them. Write down your conclusions in the form “I can start doing X different and have better results.”
The writing down part should be the translation to action of the value you take out of the learning event.
Start doing what you wrote down. Do it every day after the learning event. Don’t cut slack here.
This is where most learning fails.
And the secret to preventing it is PERSISTENCE.
Nov 28, 2017
Connecting with our emotions
For many of us, it can be hard to properly express our emotions.
Emotions play a huge role in how we understand the world and communicate to others. It is therefore very important that we learn how to connect more with our emotional self.
The first step in connecting more with your emotional self is to be aware of signs of emotional repression.
One common sign that you are repressing your emotions is that your emotions often erupt unexpectedly. For example, you spend a long time not telling someone about this little thing that bothers you, and then one day you just explode at them.
When you don’t allow yourself to express or release emotions in a healthy way, they can build up to a point where you can no longer control them.
Give time to ask yourself how you feel everyday
Just spending 5-10 minutes sitting down, and questioning your feelings, can make a big difference in how well connected you are to your emotional self.
And if you practice meditation, consider spending a whole session just using your emotions as the object of focus.
Often times people who aren’t connected with their emotional self feel a constant need to “rationalize” their emotions.
They can’t just “feel” for the sake of “feeling.” There needs to be a reason, a purpose, or an explanation behind every feeling they ever have.
let yourself experience an emotion without needing to find some underlying reason behind it.
Not every emotion is going to be explainable.
In fact, often times emotions express a special kind of “knowledge” about ourselves and our world that can’t be translated verbally.
You need to sometimes accept emotions as a language of their own.
Talk to other people about how you feel
Talking more about your feelings allows you to be honest about your emotional self, and gives others the opportunity to offer insight that you may have not considered.
Many emotions are emotions driven by our relationships with other people – social emotions – like love, anger, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, guilt, and pride.
Find ways to express emotions creatively
This can include any activities such as music, writing, photography, painting, film-making, dancing, or whatever you are passionate about.
Having creative outlets also gives you a chance to digest your emotions at a unique and personal level that can’t usually be achieved through only introspection and conversation.
Mirror other people’s face and body language
Emotions are usually a combination of both our internal thoughts and feelings, but also our external facial expressions and body language.
One trick to help get yourself more used to expressing your emotions is to practice mirroring other people’s face and body language.
Do it first on your own time – Google images of people expressing different emotions and practice doing them by yourself. Often times just mimicking an emotion at a physical level can make you begin to feel it at a psychological level.
This exercise at first may seem silly, but it can really help “loosen your emotional muscles,” which makes it easier for you to express yourself spontaneously during your social interactions.
Another great tool in helping you connect more with your emotional self is to watch movies or TV, read a book, or listen to music that elicits strong emotions.
Horror movies give us a chance to experience terror and fear. Romance novels give us a chance to experience lust and love. And dramas give us a chance to experience sadness and grief. All of these provide a safe and healthy way to tap into different emotions.
Nov 28, 2017
Emotional Connection: What it is and how to get it
create a new, secure sense of emotional connection with your partner.
emotional connection? It’s an overused term that means many things. In this context, emotional connection is not just affection, terms of endearment, or closeness in day-to-day living. Rather, it is the knowledge that your partner empathizes with you and will turn toward you when you need them. Emotional connection is the kind of primal safety you get from knowing that you are seen, valued, and comforted in your most vulnerable moments.I would go so far as to say that emotional connection is the number one factor in building healthy relationships.
Engaging and Connecting
Understand your own attachment needs by asking yourself the following two questions: “What am I most afraid of?” and “What do I need most from my partner?”
Are you afraid of feeling overwhelmed, out of control, alone, misunderstood, unloved, or needy? Be specific.
Then, speak openly about your needs in a way that invites your partner into a new dialogue. For example: “I want you to accept that I am more emotional than you. When I’m upset I want you to touch me.” This process must be reciprocal.
Forgiving Injuries
Unresolved traumas do not heal on their own. They must be confronted and healed together.
But what exactly is forgiveness? Forgiveness is not a moral decision, nor is it acceptance of transgressions. Rather, it is a healing conversation that involves deep empathy, accountability and the willingness to trust again.
Here are some steps you can take:
The partner who is hurt speaks their pain.
The injuring partner stays emotionally present and acknowledges the pain, remaining curious.
The hurt partner commits to reversing the “never again” philosophy that came from the injury, by allowing their psyche to update the script. For example, the hurt partner will let go of: “Never again will I seek reassurance from you.”
The injuring partner takes ownership of the injury, and expresses regret and remorse. This cannot be defensive or detached, like “Look, I’m sorry, ok?”
The hurt partner identifies what they need right now to bring closure to the trauma. Ask directly.
Bonding through Sex and Touch
Move away from sex that is primarily about seeking orgasm, sexual power, or reassurance of your value or desirability. Instead, create a sex life that is built on emotional openness, responsiveness and erotic exploration all at the same time.
To do so, first answer these questions for yourself:
What helps you feel emotionally safe in bed with your partner?
What are your four most important expectations of intimacy?
What do you like?
How do you like to be seduced?
What makes you the most uncomfortable?
using this information, you can each answer the following statement for each other: “If I were perfect in bed, I could, I would _ and then you would feel more _.
If this conversation is too hard at first, then just begin talking about the difficulty you are having.
Maintaining your progress
To take your growth into the future, make the time to follow these steps:
Recap the danger points in your relationship, ie. where you slide into old habits,
Celebrate the positive moments, big and small,
Plan rituals around the moments of separation and reunion,
Identify recurring arguments and deciding how to handle them up front,
Create a “resilient relationship story” (rewriting your script), and
Create a future love story. Outline what you’d like your bond to look like years from now, and how you can each make this vision a reality.
Nov 28, 2017
Self Awareness
One of the first pillars of emotional intelligence is self-awareness. This is the process of better understanding your feelings through self-observation and self-inquiry.
It requires that we look at our emotions from an objective viewpoint, and then be honest about what’s causing them and how they are influencing our actions.
your feelings can be misleading if you always react to them without question. In certain times, it’s a good idea to step back and question your feelings before you choose the best way to respond to them.
What am I feeling? Don’t just say you feel “good” or “bad” – be specific. Is it “sadness” or “anger” or “disappointment?” Try your best to find one or two words that best describe your feeling.
When did I first notice this feeling? How long has the feeling been going on for? Did you just begin feeling it, or has it been looming around for awhile?
What’s the primary cause of this feeling? Try to think of what event in your life caused you to feel this way. Is there something that happened that stands out?
What are possible secondary causes of this feeling? What are some other factors that may be contributing to this emotion? Are there multiple “little things” that may have built up throughout the day?
Am I tired or stressed? Often times general stress and fatigue can amplify our emotions. For example, this recent study found that sleepless nights are more likely to lead to anger and arguments among couples.
How should I respond to this feeling? What’s the best course of action to take in response to this emotion? Should you talk to someone, listen to music, go for a walk, or do something productive?
Should I just wait for this feeling to pass? Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you need to act on it. Sometimes it’s better to just “ride out” an emotion until it subsides. Our feelings are only temporary, they don’t last forever.
Nov 28, 2017
Ways to Get Your Unwanted Emotions Under Control
Stanford University psychologist James Gross (2001) proposed a 4-stage model to capture the sequence of events that occurs when our emotions are stimulated. In what he calls the “modal model,” a situation grabs our attention, which in turns leads us to appraise or think about the meaning of the situation. Our emotional responses result from the way we appraise our experiences.
Some emotional responses require no particular regulation. If the emotion is appropriate to the situation and helps you feel better, there’s no need to worry about changing the way you handle things.
Expressing road rage may also make you feel better, but it’s not appropriate or particularly adaptive. You could express your frustration in other ways that allow you to release those angry feelings, or instead try to find a way to calm yourself down.
your emotions could be costing you important relationships, your job, and even your health.
Knowing your emotional triggers can help you avoid the problems in the first place. Being able to alter your thoughts and reactions will build your confidence in your own ability to cope. With practice, you’ll be able to turn negatives into positives, and, each time, gain emotional fulfillment.
By preparing yourself ahead of time, you’ll find that the problematic emotion goes away before it interferes with your life:
Select the situation. Avoid circumstances that trigger unwanted emotions. If you know that you're most likely to get angry when you’re in a hurry (and you become angry when others force you to wait), then don’t leave things for the last minute.
Modify the situation. Perhaps the emotion you’re trying to reduce is disappointment. You’re always hoping, for example, to serve the “perfect” meal for friends and family, but invariably something goes wrong because you’ve aimed too high. Modify the situation by finding recipes that are within your range of ability so that you can pull off the meal. You may not be able to construct the ideal soufflé, but you manage a pretty good frittata.
Shift your attentional focus. Let’s say that you constantly feel inferior to the people around you who always look great. You’re at the gym, and can’t help but notice the regulars on the weight machines who manage to lift three times as much as you can. Drawn to them like a magnet, you can’t help but watch with wonder and envy at what they’re able to accomplish. Shifting your focus away from them and onto your fellow gym rats who pack less punch will help you feel more confident about your own abilities. Even better, focus on what you’re doing, and in the process, you’ll eventually gain some of the strength you desire.
Change your thoughts. At the core of our deepest emotions are the beliefs that drive them. You feel sad when you believe to have lost something, anger when you decide that an important goal is thwarted, and happy anticipation when you believe something good is coming your way. By changing your thoughts you may not be able to change the situation but you can at least change the way you believe the situation is affecting you.
In cognitive reappraisal, you replace the thoughts that lead to unhappiness with thoughts that lead instead to joy or at least contentment.
Change your response. If all else fails, and you can’t avoid, modify, shift your focus, or change your thoughts, and that emotion comes pouring out, the final step in emotion regulation is to get control of your response. Your heart may be beating out a steady drumroll of unpleasant sensations when you’re made to be anxious or angry. Take deep breaths and perhaps close your eyes in order to calm yourself down. Similarly, if you can’t stop laughing when everyone else seems serious or sad, gather your inner resources and force yourself at least to change your facial expression if not your mood.